You Can Quit, But You’re Taking Yourself With You!
- mrskatrinalandry
- 19 hours ago
- 3 min read
Understanding Personal Responsibility in Relationships
When working with couples in therapy, there’s almost always a moment when one partner—sometimes both—considers walking away. And while that’s a valid and sometimes necessary option, the real question is this: what are you walking away with?
Too often, individuals come to therapy believing that the problem is their partner, not themselves. It’s a common mindset—“if only they would change, everything would be fine.” But in most relationships, the dynamic is not that simple. While there are definitely situations where one partner has been clearly hurtful or betrayed trust (such as in cases of infidelity or abuse), most relationship issues involve both people. It takes two to create and maintain a relationship—and it takes two to repair it.
You Can Leave… But You’re Still Bringing You
Here’s what I always tell my clients:
“Yes, you can leave. But you’re taking you with you.”
What does that mean? It means that unless you take the time to do the inner work, the same patterns, wounds, and triggers that showed up in this relationship will follow you into the next. You might think a new partner will fix everything—but if your 50% of the problem remains unresolved, you’ll likely recreate the same issues all over again.
Every Relationship Is a Mirror
Relationships often act as a mirror, reflecting parts of ourselves that we may not want to see. That’s why personal growth is essential—not just for the relationship, but for your overall emotional well-being.
If you find yourself:
Blaming your partner for everything
Repeating the same types of arguments
Feeling stuck in unhealthy relationship patterns
Jumping from one relationship to the next
Then it’s time to look inward. Ask yourself:
What role am I playing in this dynamic?What unhealed parts of me are showing up in this relationship?What behaviors or beliefs am I bringing that might be contributing to the problem?
Two People, One Goal: Growth and Healing
For any relationship to thrive, both partners must be willing to do the work. One person cannot carry the entire emotional load. It takes honesty, self-awareness, and commitment from both sides to create lasting change. This means:
Taking responsibility for your actions and reactions
Being open to feedback—even when it’s uncomfortable
Letting go of ego and choosing growth
Apologizing and changing behavior—not just defending it
You Always Get What You’ve Always Gotten…
There’s a saying I often share with my clients:
“If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always gotten.”
In other words, if you don’t change your mindset, habits, and emotional responses, you’ll keep finding yourself in the same kinds of relationships—no matter who you’re with.
So yes, leaving the relationship is an option. Sometimes it’s the best one. But if you leave without addressing your own issues, you’ll just take those same unresolved parts of yourself into the next chapter of your life.
Final Thoughts: Do the Work, For You
The real work in relationships isn’t about changing your partner. It’s about healing yourself so you can show up better—whether in this relationship or the next one.
You can quit.You can walk away.But don’t fool yourself into thinking that a new person will automatically mean a new outcome.Because you’re taking YOU with you.
Do the work.Break the patterns.
Be the change you want to see—in your relationship and in yourself.
Supervised by Katrina Landry, PhD, LPC-S
If you would like to schedule with her now click here
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